Why am I Reading this?
by tr1xx777
Summary: We all know about all the 'lovely' stories we have in the Holes archive. But haven't you ever wondered what D-tent would think if they saw all this? Read the boys perspective as they read from the Holes Archive! T for Swearing
1. Armpit

Armpit sat down at his computer and turned it on. His friends had told him to go on Fanfiction to see all the crazy shit that was going down in the Holes archive.

Armpit doesn't even know what an archive is!

The teenaged reached the site and made his way to the Holes section.

"Let's see, here's a Squid story... Another Squid story... A Zigzag story... Another Squid story... Squid, Zigzag, Squid... Why is everything about Squid? I mean, he's my man but the kid cries like, every night. I don't remember that ever being cool."

"Okay, I'll just read one. Squid is probably an easy character to write for." Armpit smiled the idea, "yeah, I'm so complex that it's hard to put me into words."

Armpit frowned when he read the first few words, "Okay, not that one." he clicked back and started reading a different story. "It's exactly the same as the last one!"

Armpit read the first chapter of fifteen other stories but they were all the same. "Why are there girls going to Camp Green Lake? It doesn't make any sense! And why am I always described as a smelly, fat black man?"

"I mean I guess I don't smell like roses and I'm not going to deny my skin tone but I am not fat! There's just more of me to love!" Armpit grumbled. "That's what Mama always says at least..."

He noticed the different rectangles at the top that were labeled. "Oh, I can sort through all this Squid shit? Yes please!"

Armpit started playing around with the settings and changed it so only stories about him would show up. "What? Are you kidding me? Three stories? Three! What is wrong with the world today?"

"Squid and Ziggy have hundreds while I have a measly three? Screw this! I'm going to go fight a dragon, because I'm fucking awesome like that!" Armpit yelled as he slammed the power button to the computer. "Do you see Squid being awesome like me? Noooo, he's too busy being a man whore with Zigzag to be like me!"


	2. X-Ray

A/N: wow, I was really surprised at the positive reaction for this! I thought nobody would appreciate it...

X-Ray walked into the empty room and sat down at the computer. He wiggled the mouse a little and watched as the black screen came to life. It was already at the Holes archive on . Only three stories had shown up and they were all about Armpit.

"Damn, my man has all the stories written about him!" X-Ray grinned. The D-tent leader was expecting most of them to be about him, but Armpit? No way. "Oh, never mind... They're filtered for only Pit."

X-Ray took the filter off and clicked a random story. "Blah, blah, blah, girl is on a bus, blah, blah, blah, woah! Why the hell is she back talking Mr. Sir? The guy carries a gun around and screams at people like Barfbag throws up! Am I right?"

X-Ray continued reading, he got to the part where the girl was eating in the Mess Hall, and for some strange reason was immediately accepted by the group. "What? I'm made out to be some sort of jack ass!"

"I don't steal everyone's bread, Caveman just didn't dig that day so he doesn't earn it! The diggers get the edible food, right?" X-Ray snapped. "She didn't even give me the bread..."

X-Ray soon got bored with the story and went back to the list of fanfiction. He clicked on another and started reading. It was pretty much the same as the last, X-Ray still tried stealing the bread and the girl didn't give it to him. With some vulgar language added somewhere in the mix.

"Where was I when all these hot chicks came? Damn, they weren't even this fine back in the city." X-Ray grumbled as he read about a three paragraph description of what some girl looked like.

"Alright, this is just bullshit! This is nothing like how we act!" he snapped when he read about some emotional comforting crap when the chick has a breakdown after a day of being here.

The D-tent leader went to the chapter selection and looked through the titles. These people weren't very original.

"Chapter 1: the bus, Chapter 2: Talking Back to Mr. Sir, Chapter 3: Dinner... Oh, I want to read this one! Her first hole!" X-Ray grinned at the thought of how much blood and blisters the poor girl would have to go through.

"What! She finished first? Before even Zero?" X-Ray gasped. "You know what, screw this shit! I'm skipping to the end. I did it in school and I'm doing it now. Probably works better with this than a text book, anyway."

"Okay, so Sparkle Sunshine kissed a boy in the rain, they stayed in touch and she got pregnant. They got married and all lived happily ever after because somehow that works in the real world?"

"Kay, no. This shit doesn't happen. Do you know why those boys are so attracted to those chicks? It's because we haven't seen a girl in ages and we could be looking and pigs with half their faces cut off and they would still look sexy in our eyes. There is a very special term for what we call us boys who look at women like that: horny."

X-Ray rolled his eyes. There was no happily ever after for guys like him. Except for Zero and Caveman, but they had lived shit lives their entire life. They deserved a little good coming to them.

The teenager sighed and slid out of the chair. He didn't even turn off the computer as he walked out of the room.

A/N: sorry if I offended anyone. This is just a general sum of what girl/CGL stories are like. I admit, I write stupid stuff like ^this too.


	3. Zigzag

"Hmm, lets see what this Fanfiction thing X and Pit have been complaining about." Zigzag said as he wiggled the computer mouse and the screen came to life.

"Wow! I've got a lot!" Zigzag grinned as he scrolled through all of the stories written about him. "And they're mostly about girls! I like that idea- wait. What's this?"

"Squid/Zigzag... What does that mean? Are we on an adventure together?"

There was only one way for Zigzag to find out so he clicked on the story and started reading. "This isn't so bad, we're just- oh. Oh! Ew, ew, ew! Turn it off, turn it off!" he screamed as he covered his eyes and shook his head to get the image of _Squidzag _out of his mind.

"Squids a cool guy, just... Not like that." Zigzag shuttered. "At least I know what Squid/Zigzag means now."

After another minute of trying to hold back his own vomit, Zigzag continue to scroll through the Holes archive. "Oh, ZigzagxOc, you're not going to fool me again! I don't even want to know what OC stands for! It probably means Caveman, in French or something."

Zigzag finally chose one story where there wasn't any Zigzag/someone and started reading. "Ugh, these words are so big..."

"Wait, why am I always portrayed as bat shit insane? I have acute paranoia, not schizophrenia or something. It's where I'm nervous about stuff for a few weeks; I don't believe in vampires."

Zigzag crossed his arms. The author never got the character just right, he was always totally off his rocker, or... gay. Sure he may be a little cray cray sometimes but that didn't mean- shit! Zigzag just said cray cray... Maybe he really was a gay...

No! Banish those thoughts Ziggy! _I like girls. I like girls! _

After another five minutes of convincing himself of his sexuality, Zigzag continued reading. "Why am I always best friends with Squid?"

"Squid is friends with Pit and X-Ray more than me." Zigzag muttered as he finished the fanfic. "And that was shorter than I thought but... Yeah, it was cute, I guess."

Zigzag left the room, slightly satisfied of all the girls he got, slightly disgusted at some of the strange things he just read and very, very confused. About everything.

**_There isn't anything wrong with Homosexuals! I never meant for this to be offensive and if you are gay and you're offended, PM me and I'll change it! Other than that, review!_**


	4. Zero

Zero sat at the computer and scrolled through the stories. It took him longer than it should have because he was still having troubles reading. But once he finally did make out the words, he was shocked.

'Why am I always gay for Stanley?' Zero thought. He clicked back, not wanting to read anything more of his homosexual relationships with his best friend.

He started reading about a girl moving in with the boys of D-tent. 'This actually isn't that bad...'

Zero frowned, compared to the shit stories Mr. Sir told, this was heaven. He just didn't understand how a new girl who was supposed to be bad ass, got him to talk by the first day. Truthfully, Zero thought the girl was about as stupid as the guys.

After a few hours, Zero finished the story and started reading the next one. He actually didn't mind that by now, the girls would have overrun Camp Green Lake if they came as much as Fanfiction said they did. Zero liked to read about these girls who have awful pasts, it made his problems seem minuscule.

Mby the time Zero got to the fifth chapter, he realized that he was barely mentioned in it at all. If the fanfic was a romance about the girl and one of the other boys, he was mentioned once or twice. Usually, the girl just made the connection that even Dr. Pendanski called him Zero and that was that.

'These words are so big... And all the girls have long ass names. Ja- Jaqueee- Jaqueel.. Screw this, I'm calling her J-J.' Zero gave up on reading the name and just continued reading.

'Hm... No one is mentioning my mad math skills. They probably think I'm as stupid as everyone else thinks.' Zero shrugged. He was used to being called stupid.

'Ha! I'm some motherfucking pool champion!' Zero grinned, 'and Squid. I don't ever actually remembering us playing pool. I mean, I held one of those stick things and one of the balls but I was going to throw it at Squids head, not play with it.'

'Squid wouldn't be so strong with brain damage, woul he?' Zero grinned as he finished the story.

Zero was about to start another when he realized how bored he actually was. He was tired of the long names and corny nicknames. Screw this, Zero is watching YouTube.

For the next three hours, Zero sat at that computer, watching The Dudesons and trying to learn Finnish.

A/N: The Dudesons is a TV show about 4 stuntmen from the Arctic Circle doing crazy shit. Sorry if you thought that one sucked, I wasn't really in the mood for writing but thought you all deserved something.


	5. Squid

_**I am**_** running out of people in D-tent! I'm updating all my stories today so enjoy!**

Squid entered the room with his hands shoved deep in his pockets and a toothpick hanging from his mouth. A towel was wrapped around his head and a thick layer of dirt covered his body. "Let's see what all this 'fan fiction' shit the guys are talking about." he muttered.

"They're just... Stories? About... Us?" Squid muttered, "How the fuck do they know anything about us?"

Squid clicked on a story with his name on it. After reading the first chapter, his face was pale and he looked like he was ready to projectile vomit all over the computer screen. "How do they know this? They know about my mom and dad leaving and... THEY KNOW EVERYTHING!"

After a minute of Squid trying to find every explanation to how his deepest secrets got out to the world, he finally realized that there was a little hyperlink in the top, left hand corner. Books.

"Oh... They made a book about us, right. I forgot about that." Squid muttered to himself, slightly embarrassed as he kept on reading. "Whatever, I just want to get this over with."

Squid scanned through the archive, looking for something that either had to do with him or would interest him. He finally found one and started reading.

He squinted his brown eyes at the computer to try and read the words. "Shit, I can't read any of this. It's all...wrong. Nothing is spelt right. I'm no genius but I'm pretty sure that 'bus' starts with a b."

"I could be wrong though."

Squid kept on reading, eventually getting used to the grammar and spelling problems. He wasn't a hard ass about literature but it was just ridiculous when he couldn't read any of the words.

"Hm, I don't ever remember being that nice..." Squid grumbled as he finished the last chapter. "And I don't remember knocking everyone up, either. Or talking about my... Feelings."

Squid shuddered at the thought. Emotions were not his forte.

"Aw, my life turns to shit after I leave Camp Green Lake." Squid sighed as he started a new story. "Why the fuck am I always homeless?"

"Whoever is writing this doesn't get me right at all. I don't give a fuck what anyone tells me, why am I suddenly kissing some girls ass all the time?" Squid furrowed his brows as he continued to read.

The one thing you should know about Squid - and most of the other D-tent members - is that he has the attention span of a fly. He can only focus on one thing for a while before he gets too bored and goes and does something stupid.

Like breaking into someone's house which ultimately ended him at Camp Green Lake.

"Ah, I'm done here. They never get me right anyway." he shrugged and pushed himself away from the computer, "besides, the girls never resist the charm. It's no fun when they just wait for you with open legs. It's all the fun in the chase."

And with that, Squid left the room to go play pool, because according to Fanfiction, he was master at that.


	6. Caveman

Caveman sat down at the computer and logged in on his fanfiction account. CavemanXOXO. The other D-tent members didn't have account but he had one for years. He was nearing his 100th story actually, excluding One-Shots and drabbles.

Swiftly, he got to the Holes Archive after checking moderating his reviews and replying to all his Private Messages. He was just too popular on that site for his own good. After changing the filters to his liking, he scrolled through the archive to find something mildly interesting.

"Hmm, not bad. Some parts are a little inaccurate, and we're all pretty out of character, not to mention the Mary Sues, but other than that, it's not too shabby." Caveman mused before clicking to the part of the fanfiction which he _really_ enjoyed reading. The reviews.

_Guest - This is horrible! Go die in a hole you bitch! None of this would really happen in the real Holes Universe so just put everyone out of their misery and delete this piece of shit. _

"This is pretty mild to most of the stuff I've seen." Caveman muttered as he scrolled through all the 'poor Zero' and 'Aww, adorable' reviews until he found the interesting flames.

_Guest - For starters, your grammar is absolutely pathetic! Do you have any idea how many times you wrote 'to' instead of 'too?' TWICE! And that's only in one chapter. You make me sick to my stomach by just the thought of reading anymore. I honestly hope someone cuts off your hands so you can't write any more of this disgusting crap._

_Thank you for you time._

Caveman snorted. "It's almost funny how most of the flames hide behind the guest reviews even though most of them probably have an account themselves. Not to mention the fact that the reviews usually blow small mistakes out of proportion. And then they usually thank them or sign it all professionally to make it seem like they have the right to say all that mean stuff. It's kind of sickening actually."

"It's not even in the Holes Archive, actually our archive is one of the more mild places on the site in comparison to flames. But even seeing just one or two rude reviews make me sad. And there are probably a dozen more flames just like them that don't get shown because authors either moderate their anonymous reviews before they are shown or delete them after they get posted."

"Reviews like those make authors stop writing. It's sad how words can crush someones dreams so easily. Stating it in a 'professinal' looking way doesn't make the blow any more harsh." Caveman frowned.

Phil's fingers tapped against the keyboards for only a few seconds before he sat back and watched as the review got sent in.

_CavemanXOXO - I love it. Keep going. _

**Kind of a more serious chapter. It would mean the world to me if you all went and checked out the poll on my profile. It is really important! **


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